15. 01. 13 PAGE A DAY
I have only truly loved one.
We took the un-scenic route to the flat with the other restless cars in hope that it would get us there a lot quicker even thought the thought of unpacking was enough to make me want to sleep forever.
The doll-house that I had made for DT GSCE five years ago that I had to carry on my lap stared blankly at me. I thought at how stupid it looked, it’s wonky scarf joints that I had filled in with polly cell, it’s half finished paint-work, it’s peeling wallpaper. To the naked eye, I’m sure it looked like junk. I should have thrown it away, it always looked at me like this, I didn’t deserve it, after all, one should always respect their creator.
I wanted to tell it to stop looking at me and making me feel stupid for being so upset about leaving her behind, but I knew that would just make me look even more insane.
Cate let out a disapproving sigh and turned to me. I pretended to not notice and looked out the window to see if I could figure out where the sun was setting, I couldn’t, I had missed it, or the clouds were too thick, I could not build up enough curiosity to look at the time to work it out.
Her body came into my thoughts like a great hot wind, sweeping through my hair and warming my bones.
The memories of the dinner parties we had thrown for our friends, the nights we spent listening to each other’s silence to watch the harsh world wash away, the Christmases where she kept me warm and gave me that tingling in the pit of my stomach that never ceased to fade even into my teens. She had a magic about her, one which I flourished in every time I see her.
I looked down at my hands, they were chapped and bleeding from all the packing I’d been doing, I’d left it far too late.
It all seemed pointless to leave her for such a material need, I knew for sure I could have screamed and cried as I was leaving to show my parents how much this separation would effect me, so much so, that we would have stayed with her, but I knew that this would be unfair on my parents, who had worked so hard and deserved to be comfortable.
The wind left me and I let myself vomit everything that I had been feeling that last month. I had no shame, people were looking at me as they passed, wondering what had make me cry so violently, but they were just like unconscious shadows moving past me. Cate turned to me with such tender eyes and held me tightly with her free hand. At that point, the world could have ended and I wouldn’t have minded.
We stripped her naked, sold her possessions and left her open and vulnerable. I would always wonder if this had affected her soul, or if she was still the same women, just without the gimmicks that we had bought for her. Either way I felt so guilty doing this. A new family was to own her now and dress her how they’d like, I had meet them, a very British couple in there forties with two children, I scowled at them with my eyes while I gave them the sweetest smile, they’d be nothing like us, they are so shallow and un-artistic, I thought about the times we had danced though the air pretending to be woodland elves and sang made-up songs in the garden till late. They will bore her, I thought, they’d kiss her with their lips and not their souls.
Memories are fake treasure; they give you moments of happiness but nothing ever tangible. Be a blank slate, everything is new, and once you’ve experienced it, it’s old, you must throw it away, like air. Inhale, Exhale.
I etched this into the skirting board in the hallway the night during my last night, an action of irony, I’m sure the new people would just paint over it not understanding the monument of this statement, maybe they would see it as an intrusion in their new home, but it was always be there, just hidden, but I know that she could always see it.
I will never forget the look she gave me when I left her the last time, I could see she was saying goodbye, and I could see that she understood what had to be done, and a part of me was angry that she was not pleading with me to stay. She was always so wise, and so humble, like a lovely grandfather who you understood knew best but didn’t not know the reasoning behind his words.
I breathed in her musky smell of home and sung her goodbye and she hummed her silent farewell, and for the first time in my life, as I opened the door to exit, I saw a tiny film of water form in her eye, I closed the door behind me slower than I had ever done in my 22 years with her and listened to that clunky full sound of the door closing, the movement moved though her like a tremor, I let go of the door knob and left her.