I sit stiff at my desk, eyes wondering around this stale office in hope of something to distract me from myself, all I ask is for a second of respite from the mechanical cogs in my mind. When did I stop living? When did I stop feeling my breathing when time was nothing but an abstract concept slipping though my active fingers? I am stuck in the mud.
Minutes, seconds pass; with me tied down screaming and pleading, I have called this this stage of giving up now. There is nothing to distract me here, I have read that silence and stillness is precious, I’ve read that you can capture this silence where ever you are, as long as you in touch with every sense of your being, here and now. But I fail to understand these words, I fail to become lost in the moment, these recent weeks I have failed to become lost in anything, in conversation, in a book, in my work, even in a TV show. I am constantly, checking, changing, wondering, finding something else to do, worrying that what I am doing is helping me progress towards a healthier, happier me. I try to resist these manic thought patterns of “betterness”, but they are my own worst enemy. I can’t concentrate on anything; I can only concentrate on my problem of not being able to concentrate. Even now I have to take breaks, I am there and then.
I want to dive into a freezing lake to distract me from this feeling on failure and loneness, I want to slit my wrists to remind my body that I am only human, just like the rest of the stars that I still see but seem to have died for what seems like years ago. I want to erase everything that makes me more than an animal and go back to the most basic primitive consciousness so I can drift with the moments that approach me. I want to stare at a bullet as it soars towards my face and smile as I enjoy the calmness of where I am sitting, and the comfort of the air around me.
Everything I will write feels short, fleeting, but never fleeting in the moment. The only thing that I can get truly lost in is death, because death is oh so constant, oh so understanding, and oh so peaceful. Will I ever stop feeling lonely? Can I trick my brain into thinking that we are not separate from the earth that holds us up, from that air that keeps us breathing, from the blood that keeps us beating?
Can I tell my brain that everything is alive, conscious, and they are separate entities in a physical form but we are all one in our consciousness? Can I trick my brain into believing no one is alone, because we are all one consciousness? I hope so.
None of this matters, because we are all robots, unable to choose between eating a red or green sweet, are lives are completely predetermined, down to every last word that I am typing. So is it a comfort or a fear that this is the case? For me, it comforts me to know that we have no control, that if a computer that worked faster than our brains and were also just as intelligent and knew what we were going to do before we did it, I wouldn’t have to deal with any wrong doing that I have committed, and that in the end, we are all just equal hollow robots.
I’d share this, but a part of me doesn’t want to, I want to share it with the one person which I daren’t mention her name because to be attribute her to a mere name would be blasphemous. There’s emptiness inside me that I can’t shake off, I miss the moments we have where we just got lost, I was with you and all we felt was satori.
I could truly get lost with you, wonder to the end of the edge and feel the wind grow stronger teasing us to do it. But we’d just stand, hand in hand, teasing the wind back, waiting to see if the wind had the guts to push us enough. I wasn’t euphoric, I wasn’t depressed, I was with in the moment, with you.
I don’t think I’ve realized until this very point how much my life has become unconscious since leaving you. I am possessed by greed that has been disguised from me by my twisted grieving process, and displayed to me as egocentric self-respect.
There is no one like you, I will fall in love again, heck, in fact I think it’s happening to me now, I feel like I love this girl for her moments of her fleeting ideas spurred from a lonely, crushed mint leaf at the bottom of a twisted mojito and her happy beautiful admiration for everything colorful. But I’m still stuck in my head.
I loved being in the dark with you; it made us appreciate the light. And when my eyes clung to yours the first time I met you, when we were spinning, I knew, that you were the one. I made a promise to myself that night to never let you go. I had lived more in that one moment that I had done in my whole life.
Everyday I knew, even when you were close to killing me, I loved you.
There’s only one person, the person who is your destiny.
You have hurt me so much, and I’ve hurt you, I have never hated anyone as much as I hate you. I hate you so much. I hate you.
The truth is, I miss you.
I’ve wanted to drive this car off this cliff for years now, but I couldn’t because you were inside, but now I can. I still hate you by the way so please don’t follow me.