love, lust and fear in relationships

I strongly believe that if you build a relationship on all the right things, you should know within a year if you want to spend the rest of your life with that person, people are often just scared to commit, because something is not right, they can’t place their finger on it, but they stick around after the year mark, looking for it, or denying it.

From what I have witnessed, relationships these days are built on a variety of factors.

  1. Lust (Physical connection)
  2. Convenience, you live near each other (Proximity connection)
  3. Time (Time built connection)
  4. Insecurity, the need/want for intimacy and to be in a relationship (Necessity connection)
  5. Personality (Personal connection, blind connection)

Love at first sight solely champions Lust/Physical connection as the most important factor, to “fall in love with someone” as soon as you see them for the first time is ludicrous and if anything, not romantic in the slightest, it’s the most primitive of exchanges that focus just on the possibilities of reproduction.  Schopenhauer believed that you looked for someone who evens out your inadequacies and physically disproportions, for example, if you have a wide chin, you look for someone with a skinny chin, if you a short, you look for someone tall, this is all said to be an behavior pattern evolved through survival of the fittest.  If we assume that this exchange of lust assumes love assumes that we are empty capsules driven by our selfish genes to reproduce the best offspring… possibly the most unromantic phenomenon.

As much as I like to deny it and to not agree with us being slaves to the flesh, I’d say 90% of our attraction when we first meet with someone lies with this factor, of course people vary though, and there are language and behavior alterations that you can make to heighten attraction but there is a limit to this and you’d have to be very skilled to create attraction immediately within the first say, 10 seconds you meet someone.

Many people dislike long term relationships, many people have experienced a holiday fling and get on with their lover so well… yet the time spent with that person is not significant enough to justify moving closer to each other, however if that did happen by coincidence, you’d probably fall into a relationship.  Just like when school and university romances fall apart when couples move back to their separate hometowns, or when they happen to live in the same town they stay together through convenience.

You are more likely to stay with someone the longer you’ve been with the person, you’ve invested more time and energy into the person, so you feel obliged to make this worth it. You’ve spent the time getting to know that person, and become familiar with them, and humans always search for familiarity, that’s how basic brand marketing works.

Insecurity, part of this is biological, the desire for intimacy is a behavior that have evolved to increase reproduction chances.  But then again, it can also be a need to be loved due to neglect and fear of being alone, so you stay in relationships that does nothing or detriments you due to this fear.  Also insecurity can also mean that you enter into a relationship with someone who makes you look good, and whom you are more proud of than you adore.  Imagine dating, Mila Kunis yet you hated her personality and your conversations were as dull as dishwater yet she was crazy about you and wanted a relationship, a fair amount of us would say yes, it would feel good! Remember our genes wire us to produce offspring not for us to be happy!

The last is the most important connection there is.  And that is blind connection, falling in love with the mind, kissing minds as well as bodies is the ultimate intimacy. The things we see when we shut our eyes are what’s important.

“People should fall in love with their eyes closed.”
― Andy Warhol

Most people are not shallow and consider personal connection to be important, but what happens when you misinterpret personal connection for a connection that just masks your insecurity? And even worse this coupled with convenience? And got forbid with Lust and time built connection?

Take a chance on that holiday romance. Save yourself for the third date.  Don’t jump into a relationship if you’re not sure.  Talk with your eyes closed. Kiss their mind.